New book, complicated feelings
Sexism Ed: Essays on Gender and Labor in Academia was published 16 days ago, and folks around me keep asking how I feel.
Your book is out! Congratulations!, they say, Aren't you excited?
Um, yeah, I'm excited, I respond with the most excitement that I can muster, which I admit is not a ton.
My tone belies the truth of my feelings. And yet, my lack of animated excitement proves troublesome. An author is supposed to be elated when her book is published. She's supposed to shout from the rooftops (or tweet or email or message) about her accomplishment. She's supposed to be beaming with pride. She's not supposed to look weary when you congratulate her about her new book. She's not supposed to seem bummed.
Some folks I know have asked me what's wrong because my reaction feels off script. I'm supposed to be elated (and a little obnoxious), so what gives? I might try to give a coherent answer about the wrongness, but I stop myself because I'm not sure I want to bum them out or that they should have access to my true feelings. They might furrow their brow or grimace or offer advice about how I should be joyful. They might ask follow-up questions. I might try to answer them. Or they might simply move along because their congrats fulfills their social obligation to me. I might breathe a sigh of relief.
So, I have started to fake a little excitement, which is more palatable because it is how people expect authors to feel. I might hate myself a little each time I do.
What I want to say to them is that my feelings about Sexism Ed are complicated and contradictory. That I can be both excited that I wrote a book and utterly depressed that we still need a book on sexism in the academy in 2018. That this was a hard book to pull together. That the work felt excruciating because I had to read through every essay that I have ever written on sexism, inequality, and labor and recognize how much has stayed the same in the five years that I've written about each. That I had to dwell once again in how sexism impacted me as an individual while also evaluating the structural sexism of higher ed. That I had to revise personal essays about living in a patriarchy day in and out and the cultural expectations that I have to fight to just to be me.
That my life was a hot mess while working on this book. That I had just learned of my chosen dad's cancer diagnosis. That I was still reeling from other calamities. That I was overwhelmed with work. That I had family obligations. That I had plans on how to finish Sexism Ed that I had to jettison because I couldn't convince myself to write the final essay that I wanted to write on my deep-seated fear of men. That I would open the document and stare at the blank page. That all of my usual tricks of composing a draft on paper and pen didn't work. That I even tried to compose the essay as an email on my phone, but my thumbs only drummed on my phone case. That I couldn't write one more damn thing but I could cry and fret and worry.
It was like my brain couldn't handle anything else that was painful. Between cancer and all the essays on sexism, I could not write another depressing or harrowing essay. I could not do it.
So, I retooled the ending of Sexism Ed and ended with a new essay, "Being Visible," which was a hard essay to write and still a hard essay for me to read. But, that didn't work either. The ending seemed too abrupt and depressing. The book was missing something. Per Chris, it was too many punches in the face, instead of just enough.
And then, I remembered an essay that I wrote about hope last year and how I wanted to sit with it a bit little longer and revise it. So, I did. What I had written about the tenacity and possibility of hope surprised me. (Who was this writer? And where had she gone? And could I bring her back?) I found that I needed that essay that I had written more than I thought was possible. Sexism Ed is about oppression, but it is also a book about a hope for a better future. I just had to take the time to recognize that.
And yet, 16 whole day after Sexism Ed was published, my feelings are still complicated and strong. It is a necessary book, and I hope that folks read and learn from it. I also still struggle with finding joy about a book that I wish I didn't need to write in the first place.
It's some ways that is a comfort. I'm still me being mostly ambivalent about all kinds of things when I think I should be experiencing different emotions. I know that thinking and writing about how sexism shapes our world is really forking exhausting. It is even more so when your life gets turn upside down.
But, I am excited that I wrote another book, a tempered excitement. I hope y'all will be too.
Things I've read recently:
Borderline, Reflected on representation of mental illness in Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. #MeToo Has Ignored Disabled People. The fabulous Anthea Butler on Starbucks, gentrification & the cost for black lives. Justina Ireland's Dread Nation (go buy it now). Melissa Albert's The Hazel Wood. My wonderful friend, Miguel Clark Mallet, on the City of Twitter.
What I've written recently:
White women support white supremacy. The importance of empathy. How clothes reflect my class anxiety. On admiring the final girl in horror films & thinking about childhood trauma. Stop looking for a silver lining. Oh, and Sexism Ed.